Listening to beats by Mumford right now.... Helps me get situated on days like this...
the bow tie i had last night i see is a shriveled crumple of silk... i guess i found out it was a pre-tied tie and destroyed it... it was only 5.60$ anyway... Just woke up, my texts and recent twitter post from my pipl aren't exactly pleasing or inspiring... I feel drained, guilty.... used...... If I don't get both parts of this phone bill taken care of my week will turn out entirely differently... if I do pay it then I will be sour. Everyone has responsibilities, and I try to take care of other pipl when I can, which only gets me in trouble. I guess I just need to take care of self... I've already pushed some really good pipl away, and now I'm doing it again because of the old problems I had with others. Specifics aside I have a dream to pursue and if none of what you see makes sense then GOOD we're on the same page! I have goals to accomplish in these next couple of years where I hope to not have this phone drama or friend drama or love incontinence or creative constipation.
As you can probably tell I'm frustrated.
I want to smoke, but a person near and dear to me reminded me that I ran 5 miles for breast cancer last year and trying to give myself lung cancer this year isnt a good look. I grabbed a cig the first chance i could get after that guilt trip. I wish I had more entertainer friends. I wish i had more friends that inter-mingle between smokers and non-smokers... Culturally shit gets weird when you bring the stresses of a smoker to a non-smoker and try to chill in an environment together, shit gets awkward most of the time; the smoker is trying to chill and not stress, the non-smoker says some stress-inducing shit 9/10 times and the smoker gets uncomfortable 'I need to step outside for a bit... get some air'... Next thing you know the smoker is getting assaulted verbally about their odor and the non-smoker is subconsciously offended as if the smoker is doing something malicious against them purposefully. Personal note, nobody TRULY intends to deliver 2nd hand smoke to anyone else, sheeesh.
Not waking up to someone consistently after more than 6 months has been eye-opening... I didn't know what to expect because i haven't been in this boat since 2003, and the boat has changed... It feels good not to have to answer to someone, to wake up at 3pm on a Monday and make 'breakfast', crank my speakers to the max and bump what i want....I come and go when i please, my vehicle knows what music i like, i can go for hours without having to construct sentences or explain myself... I am extremely grateful for my freedoms! I miss having a companion though. I miss sharing the wonderful things that I get exposed to with the pipl I love and are intimate with.
Fuck all that though, the time will come. I'm young and very recently ive been trying to move too quickly in certain situations which would only get me into the same trap that im in now with this fucking bill or my Son's mother. The last thing i need right now is another person to come into my life and get so close to me that i NEED them and then they get comfortable and to top it off abandon me with a void of some sort. "thanks for the love and them years nigga, but good luck playing where's waldo with me and your son' or thanks for the love and the hospitality nigga, but this phone aint workin and i dont really fucks with u like that so, u pay for it' or 'thanks for the decade of being a soul-mate, but since you weren't there that one time I needed you, i'm going to make all of our future interactions awkward and act like i dont know you' or even 'Thanks for being a friend nigga, but since me n yo boy broke up we have no reason to talk except if you were tryna fuck me and I think u r so *awkward-sauce*'.....
Petty god-damn viewpoints if you ask me. I forgive and remember certain things. I remember the pain mostly, and how it stings in moments like these. I hate the fact that these petty pipl can get to me soo fucking bad instead of doing the right thing, where i could be living peacefully without thinking about them and focusing 100% positivity towards others and my own existence. I selfishly want these pipl to look in the mirror and ask themselves if they really want to be that person. I do that myself, but in the same token I am my own worst enemy just like anyone else. Thing is i'm petty too, but no-one responds well to 'If i dont smoke today, will you not be petty today?'
Todays blog was brought to you by the word INTROSPECT
the bow tie i had last night i see is a shriveled crumple of silk... i guess i found out it was a pre-tied tie and destroyed it... it was only 5.60$ anyway... Just woke up, my texts and recent twitter post from my pipl aren't exactly pleasing or inspiring... I feel drained, guilty.... used...... If I don't get both parts of this phone bill taken care of my week will turn out entirely differently... if I do pay it then I will be sour. Everyone has responsibilities, and I try to take care of other pipl when I can, which only gets me in trouble. I guess I just need to take care of self... I've already pushed some really good pipl away, and now I'm doing it again because of the old problems I had with others. Specifics aside I have a dream to pursue and if none of what you see makes sense then GOOD we're on the same page! I have goals to accomplish in these next couple of years where I hope to not have this phone drama or friend drama or love incontinence or creative constipation.
As you can probably tell I'm frustrated.
I want to smoke, but a person near and dear to me reminded me that I ran 5 miles for breast cancer last year and trying to give myself lung cancer this year isnt a good look. I grabbed a cig the first chance i could get after that guilt trip. I wish I had more entertainer friends. I wish i had more friends that inter-mingle between smokers and non-smokers... Culturally shit gets weird when you bring the stresses of a smoker to a non-smoker and try to chill in an environment together, shit gets awkward most of the time; the smoker is trying to chill and not stress, the non-smoker says some stress-inducing shit 9/10 times and the smoker gets uncomfortable 'I need to step outside for a bit... get some air'... Next thing you know the smoker is getting assaulted verbally about their odor and the non-smoker is subconsciously offended as if the smoker is doing something malicious against them purposefully. Personal note, nobody TRULY intends to deliver 2nd hand smoke to anyone else, sheeesh.
Not waking up to someone consistently after more than 6 months has been eye-opening... I didn't know what to expect because i haven't been in this boat since 2003, and the boat has changed... It feels good not to have to answer to someone, to wake up at 3pm on a Monday and make 'breakfast', crank my speakers to the max and bump what i want....I come and go when i please, my vehicle knows what music i like, i can go for hours without having to construct sentences or explain myself... I am extremely grateful for my freedoms! I miss having a companion though. I miss sharing the wonderful things that I get exposed to with the pipl I love and are intimate with.
Fuck all that though, the time will come. I'm young and very recently ive been trying to move too quickly in certain situations which would only get me into the same trap that im in now with this fucking bill or my Son's mother. The last thing i need right now is another person to come into my life and get so close to me that i NEED them and then they get comfortable and to top it off abandon me with a void of some sort. "thanks for the love and them years nigga, but good luck playing where's waldo with me and your son' or thanks for the love and the hospitality nigga, but this phone aint workin and i dont really fucks with u like that so, u pay for it' or 'thanks for the decade of being a soul-mate, but since you weren't there that one time I needed you, i'm going to make all of our future interactions awkward and act like i dont know you' or even 'Thanks for being a friend nigga, but since me n yo boy broke up we have no reason to talk except if you were tryna fuck me and I think u r so *awkward-sauce*'.....
Petty god-damn viewpoints if you ask me. I forgive and remember certain things. I remember the pain mostly, and how it stings in moments like these. I hate the fact that these petty pipl can get to me soo fucking bad instead of doing the right thing, where i could be living peacefully without thinking about them and focusing 100% positivity towards others and my own existence. I selfishly want these pipl to look in the mirror and ask themselves if they really want to be that person. I do that myself, but in the same token I am my own worst enemy just like anyone else. Thing is i'm petty too, but no-one responds well to 'If i dont smoke today, will you not be petty today?'
Todays blog was brought to you by the word INTROSPECT
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